Hey, Martin McFriend here, taking my first crack at a guest post for ye olde Aquarium Drunkard, while he searches the seedy underbelly of south central Texas for the next great soul creature.

So, you probably already know how to get laid. And that’s totally cool. I don’t want to sprinkle salt in your game, player. But check it out. I just thought I would share this musical formula to help you step up the intensity in your life. Follow at your own risk, but understand that this shit is golden. I’ve used it to convert more than a few frigid druids into passionate love divas and sexual suicide victims. Tailor it to your speed, but come with confidence and be ready to dance, naked if necessary.

First, make sure you have a special someone. That part I can’t help you with. Personally, I use a little ruse involving wicca and roofies, but that’s another story. How you do it is your own triangular pile of sand, but tell your significant someone that you are making dinner. Use your place or a good safehouse (preferably a vacant one with stereo hookups.) Have him/her/it show up at 7:00. Fuck 8:00. Always maximize the evening.

So when “the mark” shows up, make sure the place is candle lit and low key, sort of bohemian and borderline scary. Grape flavored incense is key, as are visible pictures of ugly relatives assembled in shrine-like fashion. Make sure the temperature is warm, but if you have any pyrotechnical equipment, or an artificial fog maker, utilize it. Dress up in all black or dark colors, a medieval-casual look keeps passions under wraps, at least initially. If you have a sword or a gun (not loaded), leave it out in the open somewhere. The mood should be set.

When the doorbell rings, make sure your timing is good, and answer the call simultaneously with the crescendo of this little number:

DOWNLOAD:
Suspiria

Right now, you’re probably thinking, dude this is absurd, I will scare the pants off of my special friend, and guess what? You’re right, you will. But that is a good thing. Fear is a great aphrodisiac. Anyway, when he/she/it freaks out and starts running, give chase and grab her/his/its hand and say, “Baby, I’m just kidding around with you.” At this point, you should be prepared to shed a layer of dark clothing in favor of something bright (if you have a great body, make sure it is tight.) Then put on this song and head to the kitchen to pour some wine, and check on the stew.

DOWNLOAD:
Sweetheart

Okay, so after you finish cooking your favorite meal, or the least expensive one or the one you botch the least often, have a seat at the table, and try to get into some more comforting conversation. Compliments help at this point. Gush if you’re feeling it. Tell your date you want to give everything to her. And play something like this:

DOWNLOAD:
Take me

Okay, so by now the scale should be tipping in your favor. It might be a good opportunity to take a chance. You can use your imagination about what constitutes a chance. One idea, off the top of the noggin, is to pull out an 8-ball of cocaine and play this:

DOWNLOAD:
Nose Rock

Less risky, but equally stout in potential may be to ask if your little friend is interested in having an impromptu dance party. Subtle but good enough to work up a percolating brow sweat. Try a tune like this:

DOWNLOAD:
Shake your shit

Alright, it just occurred to me that you, gentle Drunkard reader, are not accustomed to perusing long, rambling ridiculous posts, so I’ll cut it off right here. Honestly, I think we can all understand that if you have followed the steps up until this point, it’s in the bag. And, after all, I’m becoming preachy. My apologies. Just remember it’s about confidence, mood and taking the big risk. Embrace your demon serenade. Throw in your own ingredients. Keep it real. If all else fails, play 80s music, damn it.

Happy hunting and safe sleeping. Shakes,

MM
———-

FYI: In case you are wondering, the above tracks are, respectively:
Goblin — Suspirira
Spoon — Anything You Want
Minnie Riperton — Loving You
Cocteau Twins — Lorelei
Kiss Me Deadly — Dance 4

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